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  • Terrorist alert

    Due to todays change in the terrorist alert from yellow to orange, it occurs to me that many of us do not fully understand how the coloring system works. So I present to you (again for those who missed it the first time), Terrorist Alert For Dummies.

    PANIC MODE...

    It has come to our attention that some people don't understand the terror threat color coding system very well, despite the fact that it's been in use for almost a year now. So, in the interest of educating you, the masses, we now give you a primer on what to expect when - not if - these alerts are declared in YOUR neck of the woods!

    *** *** ***


    GREEN:Low risk of terrorist attack. Go out for a walk. Talk to your neighbors. Smile. All is well.

    BLUE:General risk. Stay inside your gated community, make sure all your firearms are in proper working order, and listen to talk radio. Believe everything they tell you. If you do not live in a gated community, get a big mean dog. If you aren't at least half-white, ignore these instructions.

    GREENISH BLUE:Threat level somewhere between Low and General risk. Public officials should review and update their emergency response procedures. Malaise poses risk to investors and the institutions that serve them. Do your patriotic duty and buy a big ticket item . Preferably a car, if you can afford it, and maybe even if you can't.

    YELLOW:Elevated condition! Indicates significant risk of attack. Increased surveillance of critical locations and rounding up of known troublemakers is suggested. Armed Christian men are strongly urged to form neighborhood watch patrols to closely monitor local mosques and 7-11 stores, just in case.

    YELLOW AND BLACK STRIPES:Killer Bee alert! Wear one of those goofy bee-keeper's outfits at all times. Carry a tin pot of smoldering leaves with you. Rid your house of honey. We mean it.

    ORANGE:High risk of attack! Republican administrations should immediately enact any and all Shadow Government contingency plans on hand. Democratic administrations should stand by for orders from the Pentagon. You'll stay in your house if you know what's good for you.

    PURPLE: Pagan attack imminent! Included at the request of Attorney General John Ashcroft, the purple alert indicates the presence of a larger than normal concentration of pagans, pro-choice extremists , university professors, atheists, topless statues or Satan-spawned calico cats.

    RED:Severe risk of attack! The nation locks down, from coast to coast. Mandatoryregistration ofDNA and microchip implantation commences now. All surviving members of the Clinton and Gore families are rounded up by Freedom Corps Gruppen volunteers and brought to the White House, where they will be personally and publicly executed by Preznit Dubya, himself, because it's all their fault.

    GOLD:Rapture alert! Those of you who know need not be told. Those of you who don't, are probably better off not knowing.

    BROWN: Pants-shitting alert! Attack has started, and you will most likely die within the next few hours or days. Administration, sensing all hope lost, decides to blow off the works, taking the rest of the world down with us in a weeping spasm of murderous self-pity . Commence shitting pants.

    BLACK:End of All Things alert! We will reach the black setting on the Terror Rainbow when every last human being on the face of Good Green Earth is dead, finally ridding her delicate surface of this pestilence, this all-consuming, all-destroying plague that is the human race.

    *** *** ***


    Hope this helps!


    "Through the course of my life, I've spent most of my money on motorcycles, drinking, drugs and chasing wild women. The rest of the money I just wasted."

    I am the chosen one, the mighty hand of vengeance...
    ... sent down to strike the unroadworthy!



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