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Some common tools found in the well appointed shop and garage:
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had just
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in less time than it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
Also a DIY poor mans acupuncture machine.
SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood
blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new
brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object you are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.
SWEARING TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while swearing at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had just
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in less time than it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
Also a DIY poor mans acupuncture machine.
SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood
blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new
brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object you are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.
SWEARING TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while swearing at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.
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